TOMOKO KAKEDA
Painting is for me the preparatory process to “die well”. I live because I die. Death is something that we all experience but nobody can teach what it is. There cannot be life without death, nor death without life. I have been working on a self-portrait series to express my thoughts on death and explore the relationship between life and death more deeply. Painting self-portraits allows me to confront my fears, which I had avoided for a long time. It is through my painting, I feel strong enough to confront the unavoidable destiny. Dying is a necessary element of our lives, so why can I not interpret it positively? Since each of us has a different color of life, I would really like to define my own death through painting.
Words are just words. They always miss their marks. When I cannot find right words to express what is inside of me, it is uncomfortable as if I am forced to sit on a chair that my body does not fit. However, with painting, I can create a tool to reach into my heart by assembling the parts without words. It has been the best way for me to convey my feelings.
I have experienced a synergetic energy between yoga and painting since I started practicing yoga three years ago. When I do yoga, I find the strong connection between my physical body and consciousness, at the same time I feel the separation as well. My body is something that I have to let go someday. I believe that I will not be able to give up my body until I fully grasp it; it is why I do yoga and paint. Yoga and painting are very similar for me in a way that they both require the intense practice of focus on mind and body. Both yoga and painting enable me to observe myself from inside and outside. Yoga taught me the physical body does not equal “me”. Yes, it is me who I see in a mirror, contained by skin; a physical body that is always changing. However, my consciousness does not change over time. This is the sensation that I have been trying to convey in paintings: the beauty of fragility and the anxiety for the stability.
In my childhood, there was a period of time that I cried whenever I saw my mother’s back. Looking at her back made me feel that even she cannot save me from the unavoidable destiny: death. The more love I felt from her, the more I cried because I did not understand why there has to be the end for all of us. My mother has taught me many things as any other mothers do. For me as a child, she was the god. She knew everything. She was my rulebook. However, even she could not tell what death is, which scared me even more and I felt very powerless.
Frequently, I have experienced a reoccurring dream/ sensation where I wake up in the middle of the night and cannot find who I am or what I am. It is a violently exposed feeling because there is no me as a woman, as a painter, and as a daughter. Without those titles that socially make me “me”, I see me as a life that came to this world. It is very overwhelming feeling to have this incomprehensible life in me to deal with. In the darkness, I feel “oh my god. I was born. Why didn’t I stay in my mother’s womb?”
The feelings mentioned above inspire and motivate me to create paintings. It is essential for me to confront my feelings and bring them to the surface of the paintings. I use myself as a motif in most of my works. My figures often appear doing yoga without any facial expression. I hope that people see themselves in the blank facial expression and reflect on their own lives, because death is universal to all of us.